Two Perverts' Guide to Romance!
by Lady Starwing
Summary: Crackfic. Don't take seriously, please. Zelos and Sain go after any and all pairings in the ToS universe upon request! Rating for -hopefully-obvious reasons. THERE IS NO FOURTH WALL!RANDOM UPDATES, NOT COMPLETE!
1. Pairing, Colloyd

_Before anyone asks, this fic shall go at all pairings. Even the ones I usually ship, even crackpairings. This is meant to be a joke, not to be taken seriously. IT. IS. A. CRACKFIC. I do not own Zelos or Sain, or ToS. The reason it's in script format is because it's only two people-occasionally three-talking back and forth, plus it's easier to write._

_Rating for...Well, LOOK WHO'S TALKING!!-Points-ZELOS AND SAIN, a pair of perverts!! Plus I break the fourth wall a lot in this fic._

_Two Perverts' Guide to Romance!_

Zelos: Hello, all my beautiful and wonderful hunnies!

Sain: Yes, lovely ladies...and all you... males out there reading this. This is the...Wait...-reads title- LI!! What do you mean by this, dearest?

Li: ...-punches Sain in face- Exactly what it says. Read it, NOW.

Sain: X-X -upset-What did I do to deserve that?!-holds up hand- Wait, don't answer that please; I think the answer would scar me beyond all reasoning.

Li: Damn straight it would.

Zelos: Okay...that counts as shattering the fourth wall...ANYWAY...This is "Two Perverts' Guide to Romance"! Done by yours truly, the wonderfully gorgeous Chosen of Tethe'alla, Zelos Wilder!!

Sain: Glory hog.

Zelos: -smacks Sain-

Sain: -Dropkicks Zelos and sends him flying- And I am Sain, and the two of us shall be commenting-

Zelos: coughBashingcough

Sain: -three stooges smacks Zelos-We're not bashing ALL of them.

Zelos: Only **most** of them!! -laughs- and first up is...Colloyd!! (LloydXColette)

-picture of Lloyd and Colette randomly appears (A/N: What? I said it was a crackfic; that also means RANDOM!)-

Sain: Aww...they're cute. -hearts appear above head-

Zelos: That they are, dear friend. They're also incredibly DENSE.

Sain: Isn't that a little...harsh? From what I've seen, Colette's been sheltered for all of her life, and Lloyd...-thinks for a minute then sweatdrops- Well, you're right about him; D.E.N.S.E.

Zelos: -Nods- yep, yep. BUT...this is also said to be one of the most popular Tales of Symphonia pairings out there. Almost to the point of cliché.

Sain: I wouldn't go that far, but yes, it's done quite frequently. But it's sweet and sugary...

Zelos: Teeth rottingly so...

Sain: DAMN STRAIGHT!! -Rock Lee/Master Gai sparkles-

Zelos: -slightly disturbed- Okay then. -smiles pervertedly- But since they are so cute, and so close and cuddly, I bet we can expect to see some Chibi Colettes and Lloyds running around soon!

Sain: ZELOS!! This is not one of YOUR pairings we're talking about.

Zelos: Are you implying something?

Sain: Do I really need to answer that?

Zelos: Ooohhh...

Sain: Lloyd and Colette have SOME standards. they'll get married and THEN we'll see the Chibis running around! -smiles brightly-

Li: ...Remind me, why did I ask you two to do the pairings?

Zelos/Sain: Because you love us, our Ultra-Violent army hunny!! -hearts appear around pair-

Li: -HIGHLY disturbed- I'm...leaving now...-vanishes Konoha-ninja-style, complete with flying leaves-

Zelos: Good!! It worked!!

Ominous voice from above: STAY ON TOPIC YOU WOMANIZERS!!!!

Sain: Who are we talking to now?

OVFA: Oh for the love of God...I TOLD YOU TO STAY ON TOPIC!!! -thunder booms above-

Zelos: Okay, we were commenting the Colloyd pairing, right?

Sain: Duh.

Zelos: Ohh...-hurt, but suddenly brightens- Right! Any comments on it, Sain?

Sain: -holds up Olympic score card that reads 9.5- Very good, but they didn't have to be so oblivious to one another's feelings. You, Zelos?

Zelos: -holds up 9- I agree on the oblivious part, but how can Lloyd score a girl so EFFING PERFECT?!!?

Sain: Because he's not like you.

Zelos: Like us, you mean.

Sain: ...Unlike you, I'm virgin; I keep it at flirting, and flirting ONLY.

Zelos: Ohhh...-so right it hurts-

Li: BURN!!! That was SO a third degree burn!! -high fives Sain- Nice, Sain nice!

Sain: Thanks.

Zelos: You only keep it at that because there's not protection in your world!

Sain: Ohhh...

Li: -imitating sports announcer- And Zelos scorches Sain right back. -clears voice- NO TURNING THIS INTO A BURN FEST YOU TWO!! AND KEEP IT MILD!!! THIS IS ONLY PG-13, NOT R!!!

Sain/Zelos: Gomen...

Zelos: What I'm curious about is why neither one of them talked to an adult to help sort out their feelings. Colette could've gone to either Sheena or Raine, and Lloyd could've gone to his old man, who has MANY more years experience under his belt.

Sain: Which one?

Zelos: What do you think? His...-stops with jaw wide open- ... ... ...D'OH!! -facepalms self-

Sain: -grinning- Gotcha there.

Zelos: That you did.

-rather loud chicken sounding alarm goes off-

Sain: Oops, time's up for now.

Zelos: Aw...-to audience- Well, that's it for now! Leave reviews and requests for what pairings the two of us attack after the next one which is...

Sain: KRANNA!!! -both vanish in random poof of pink light, leaving behind a mysterious orange book-

Zelos' voice: Sain, I think you forgot something.

Sain: Oh crap! I dropped Icha Icha paradise!! Kakashi will have my head if I don't give that back to him soon!! -reappears, grabs aforementioned book and vanishes again- Ciao!

_**Li:**__ So...what think? I was cracking up while working on this...such a nice change after writing stories like ARCH...and Yes, the duo will go after the Kranna pairing next, but after that, I'm stumped for what pairing to do next. Please let me know in reviews. _

_It can be ANY pairing, cause I'm not picky, and the boys deserve to have some fun._

_Later!! _


	2. Pairing, Kranna

_I do not own anything in here apart from the Ominous Voice from Above (OVFA) and Li (myself)._

Zelos: Wow! Li's letting us go two days in a row! Awesome!!! Hey, I rhymed! But I forgot...Who are we getting now?

Sain: Ah, we're getting at Lloyd's parents this time around, I believe.

Zelos: That's right; we're going to town over Kranna!! (KratosXAnna)

Sain: Okay, don't kill us-or Li, for that matter-we're going to attack Kraine as well, but we don't know when. We just randomly picked Kranna next.

OVFA: And that was how...?

Anna: THEY THREW DARTS AT US!!!

Zelos/Sain: Eep. O-O -run away screaming bloody murder-

Li: Did they really?

Anna: Nope; I just wanted to see how fast they could run.

Sain: ... Seriously, we just drew a pairing out of the random box of pairings. No darts were involved. If they were, I think I would've aimed at someone else...

Zelos: Who?

Sain: Ain't telling.

OVFA: GET ON TOPIC!!!! -Smites pair w/ HUGE lightning bolt-

Zelos: X-X -dead-

Sain: X-X -closer in appearance to a piece of charcoaled chicken-

Li: -sighs- -revives them- You heard the Ominous voice; get on topic, and stay on topic.

Sain: Okay...Kranna, Kranna, Kranna...-can't think of what to say-

Zelos: KINKY!

Sain: Eh?

Zelos: Doesn't seem kinky? I mean, Kratos is what; four thousand fifty?

Kratos: -pissed- four thousand TWENTY-EIGHT, thank you very much. -Evil Aurion glare-

Sain: -to petrified Zelos-Your point about the age difference?

Zelos: doesn't it seem to be a bit...much?

Sain: -Rock Lee sparkles of youth appear as he stands- AGE AND OR RACE SHOULD NOT INTERFERE WITH TRUE LOVE!!! (A/N: I'm referencing a FE7 pairing that I adore here...guess who it is)

Zelos: O-O...Are you feeling okay? And what did you mean by race? Kratos was human originally...

Sain: Never mind.

Zelos: ANYWAY, moving on now. Seeing as how my friend has disagreed about the relationship being kinky...

Sain: If you're referring to that Bondage outfit Yggi puts him in, THAT is kinky.

Anna: -muttering- Not to mention a pain in the ass to get off.

Sain/Zelos: Hm?

Anna: Nothing.

Zelos: Do you think Yggi's gay?

Sain: Why else would he put Kratos in a bondage outfit?!?! He has an incesty big sister complex and a thing for older men!!

Mithos: I DO NOT!!!

Everyone else: Prove it.

Mithos: ...

Sain: But going back to Kranna, it reminds me fondly-and sadly-of Romeo and Juliet...Ah, the drama, the heartfelt romance, the tragedy... -death scene of Romeo and Juliet plays behind him as he monologues for about five hours, making everyone else fall asleep, leave, or get really irritated-

Zelos: -Irritated-MOVING ON SAIN!! -throws ebony desk at Sain, knocking him out- Ahem, now that he has been shut up, I shall give my overall opinion on Kranna -dramatic drum roll- -holds up 10 - BEYOND PERFECT!!! SO MOVINGLY BEAUTIFUL!!!

Sain: -miraculously conscious- you ham. -bashes Zelos' skull in with sledge hammer- Ahem, and my opinion is this -another dramatic drum roll- -holds up score card that reads...42- Score Kratos, SCORE!!

OVFA: WTF?!

Li/Sain: Don't ask...

Zelos: -Revived by Raine's Resurrection spell- Another thing; how can a guy that's over four thousand--

Sain: Aw crap!! -holds sign that reads "Censored" over Zelos' mouth and bleeps out what he says next- LI SAID PG-13!!!!

Zelos: It was PG-13!

Sain: Sorry, this isn't the Zelos rating system, you baka.

Zelos: Ohh...

Sain: And another thing, its girls that stop being able to have kids. Somebody like you should've known that from either Sex Ed, experience...but in your case, I'd say both.

-Giant five ton anvil with OWNED painted in bright red drops on Zelos from above-

Zelos: I could say the same about you!!

Sain: I'm virgin, remember?

Li: He stated it last chapter, idiot.

Lloyd: And he calls ME dense.

Zelos: Why is everybody against me tonight?!

Sain: because you're a bisexual pimp.

Zelos: I AM NOT!!!

OVFA: TOPIC...

Sain: Gomen...

Li: Sorry boys, times up for right now.

Sain/Zelos: Okay...-resigned- Bye everyone -vanish in random poof of green light-

_Okay, that was Kranna. Dang, they got even more off topic than last time...-sweatdrop- Okay, I've had a request for Sheelos, but then, do you guys want them to get at Sheellloyd or Zelloyd after that? I leave that up to you. -Vanishes Konoha style!-_


	3. DAILY DOUBLE! Zelloyd&Kralloyd incest

Sain: Bored, bored, bored ... -begins flicking dust balls around-

Zelos: Damn it, when's Li getting back here with a pairing for us to bash?!

Li: -walks in- Konnichiwa!

Zelos: About da-- O.O What the hell?! -points-

Sain: Hmm ...? -looks- GACK!! Li, sweetie, did you get into a fight with the weed whacker again?!

Li: Eh?? -looks in mirror- Oh, so my hair's a little short; so what?

Zelos: It looks ... boyish. O.o''

Li: So? I like it boyish.

Sain: Anyway ... do you have a pairing for us, Li? -hopeful look-

Li: -grins wickedly- Sain, come here, please.

Zelos: Ohh no ... My "Yaoi" senses are tingling ...

Sain: -walks over-

Li: -whispers pairing in ear- ...

Sain: ... ... Pfft!! -bursts out in hysterical laughter- Oh ... oh my!! -continues laughing while pointing at Zelos- ah Ha ... hahahahahahhahahahhahaaha

Li: -nearly unconscious from laughing too hard-

Zelos: ... It evolves me, doesn't it?? -other two nod- ... Dare I ask who I am in evolved with??

Sain: ... -laughs even harder than before- Oh gods ... oh ... oh!! X) -passes out-

Li: LLOYDIE!! -keels over and nearly dies laughing. XDXDXD

Lloyd/Zelos: WHAT!? X.X

Sheena: Okay, how is this going to work?? Zelos is obviously not going to dis himself, and Sain ... is out of commission.

Sain: -somehow conscious again- I am never out of commission, my beautiful war rose!!

Sheena: -blushes- You ...!! You men are all the same!! -walks off in a huff-

Li: that's not entirely true ... BECAUSE NO MAN IS LIKE ZELOS!!

Zelos: Why?! What do you hold against me!?

Li/Lloyd/Sain/Kratos/Yuan: EVERYTHING.

Zelos: TT.TT Nobody loves me ...

Lloyd: -annoying voice- everybody hates you ...

Sain: Funny words coming from the boy who lost his virginity to him.

Lloyd: Wha—I DIDN'T!! -goes redder than a tomato-

Li: -laughs hysterically-

Kratos: X.X I'm ... going to go crawl into a hole now ... -wanders off-

Lloyd: wha-- wait!! I didn't sleep with Zelos!! Dad!! -chases after-

Sain: Ooh ... X3 I just couldn't resist.

Mithos: -has been stone silent entire time- So Lloyd and Zelos ... -blushes and turns away-

Zelos: I ... I never!! Lloydie's very huggable yes, but I didn't ...!! I'm not a little boy molester!! I'm not Michael Jackson!!

Li: -has recovered from laughing fit-... that was SO politically incorrect!! XD -goes into another laughing fit-

Sain: Admit it; you were peeping on Lloydie in the shower yesterday.

Zelos: I didn't!! X.X

Mithos: -passes out from blood loss-

Sain: ... Oh boy, I hope Kratos doesn't find out that his little boy's got gay stalkers!! X3 Well, one gay and one bi, that is.

Yuan: You're forgetting the "Lloydie-boy fanclub"

Sain: No I'm not! how could I forget, with Li here the PRESIDENT of the bloody thing?!

Li: I still wouldn't stalk Lloydie while he's in a shower. X3 Or maybe I would, but only for blackmail ... X3 And to bribe Mithos to work with me ...

Yuan/Sain: ... You evil little blonds ...

Li: Damn straight!!

OVFA: ... You know what, I'm not going to even bother ... I don't get paid enough for the work I do ...

Lloyd: -comes back with Kratos in tow- Did I miss something??

Li: -bursts out laughing and can't respond-

Sain: ... -grins wickedly- Nothing important.

Zelos: But now I'm curious ... Since I know that I didn't take Lloydie's virginity, who did??

Lloyd: -blushes- I--it's none of your business!!

Kratos: -also blushes, looks away-

Sain/Zelos: ... OH MY GOD!! -both point at Kratos-

Lloyd/Kratos: -both bright red in the face- IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!!

Yuan: ... -eye twitches- Dude, if Anna were still around, you'd be dead right now, Kratos-

Li: -keeps laughing hysterically, not even bothering to intervene-

Kratos: I didn't!! I ... I ... That's morally indecent!!

Li: Lust's a bitch, Kratsy!! You can't control it nine times out of ten!!

Lloyd: LI!!

Mithos: -regains consciousness- What did I miss??

Li: KRATOS SLEPT WITH LLOYDIE!!

Kratos: ... -grabs Flamberge- Li, I hope you're ready for your date with Ereshkigal ...

Li: Sorry, I'm straight. -laughs ass off before taking fox form and racing off, laughing hysterically-

Kratos: -chases after- GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOUR VIXEN ASS!!

Mithos: Kratos and Lloyd ... -sees rather naughty mental image- ...!! -blushes bright red and passes out from massive nosebleed-

Lloyd: I DIDN'T!! It ... it was someone else!!

Sain: that leaves a WHOLE list for us to pick from, Lloydie boy. X3 And Zelos might very well be one of them.

Zelos: Mithos is just as likely as me!!

Sain: Not really ... the only way that Mithos could sleep with Lloyd would involve a LOT of alcohol and date rape. And there's a very good chance that Kratos would find out about it and castrate Yggi's ass. So … in short, not likely to happen.

Yuan: ... How on earth can you say all this with a straight face??

Sain: It's a talent.

Zelos: Besides, You can't even prove I like guys!!

Sain: -grins wickedly- I can. Oh Sheena ...!!

Sheena: -returns- yes?

Sain: -whispers something in Sheena's ear- You know that move??

Sheena: Yeah but I turn ... -has brief epiphany- -grins wickedly- Oh yeah, that'll be fun. Hey Zel-kun--!!

Zelos: Yes, my beautiful hunny?? -has hearts for eyes-

Sheena: top this!! Oroike no Jutsu!! (Sexy Jutsu)-poof of violet light appears-

Sain/Yuan: -both know what's coming and turn away, grinning wickedly-

Sheena: -reappears as rather handsome young man wearing only a thong- What do you think of me now, Zel?

Zelos: -rockets into sky from massive nosebleed-

Sheena: -changes back- SCORE!! -does victory sign-

Yuan: Okay, I think we should stop now ... Don't want to push this up to an "R".

Sain: Honestly, I think it was too late as soon as Li mentioned Yaoi incest.

Yuan: true ... but I think we've been here long enough.

Sain: Alright ... Ciao!! -vanishes- Oh wait!! -reappears, hands Sheena a new set of seal cards- Here's your payment!! -vanishes again-

Sheena: -grins- That was fun; I want to torture Zelos again sometime in the future ... -vanishes as well- Now to test these out!!

In background: -Kratos is still chasing a fox-shaped Li around, cursing her fluently in three different languages. Li is still laughing her fox ass of-

_**

* * *

**_

**Yuan:** _UUh ... Li apologizes for any indecent mental torment you guys went through. She was attempting to keep it Zelloyd, but the Kralloyd was just … too much fun for her to pass up. –pauses as Li and Kratos race by- He hasn't caught her yet?? –coughs- ANYWAY … Please read and review, and all flames will be given to lord Flamey over here. –points at Eliwood-_

_**Eliwood:** __… I hate you all._


	4. Gethos

Sain: -has Li's headphones on-

Zelos: Eh?? Sain, what're you listening to?

Sain: Hmm? –pulls out one earphone-

Zelos: What song do you have on?

Sain: Oh; "Candy Pop" by Heartsdale.

Zelos: Really!? –Grabs earphone- Start it over!! –Actually looks at the MP3 player- Sain … did you ask Li if you could use this?? O.o

Sain: No, why?

Zelos: Oh shit. X.X we're fucked.

Sain: ???

-Massive KI felt- -Li appears from behind, her three tails flicking behind her-

Li: Sain … Zelos …

Sain/Zelos: -both look-

Sain: did you want something?

Li: Yes; Koryuu (My MP3 player).-Points- Now, I hope you know something; I only have to kill TWO MORE PEOPLE to get my fourth tail …

Zelos: -goes dead white-

OVFA: … … goodbye, boys. It was nice knowing ya.

Li: Now, we can work this one of three ways; one, you give back my Koryuu right away, and nobody dies. Two, you don't give it back and both of you die, earning me my fourth tail. Or three … -pulls out a magically on hair straightener, turned up to max heat and points it in a very bad direction- you don't give it back and your family jewels go bye-bye.

Sain: X.X –passes out-

Zelos: -throws Li her MP3 player- Please don't kill us. Please don't burn us either!!! X.X –doubles over from phantom burning sensation in crotch- Not the precious!!!

OVFA: … Can't you kill 'em anyway?

Li: nope, because I have a pairing for them to do. –clacks hair straightener, grins wickedly- but someone WILL be either dying or losing their little buddy today, I can give you that.

OVFA: … You're doing a yaoi pairing, aren't you? -.-

Li: yep. Oi, Zely. –points at him with the aforementioned cosmetic appliance- Wake Wolf-boy up.

Sain: no need … are we dead yet?

Li: Nope. X3 You're kinda pushing it though … X/

Zelos: So what's the pairing??

Li: … Raine's not in the area, is she??

Sain: No, why?? –has epiphany- O.O IT INVOLVES THE BRAT?!?! –thinks, then laughs- Does it involve the bisexual pimp beside me? –points at Zelos-

Zelos: Must you keep calling me that!?

Sain: It's true and you know it; do we need to have Sheena do the Oroike no Jutsu on you again?

Zelos: Ye—I mean no!!! NO!!!

Li: I thought you knew that as well Sain.

Sain: I turn into a girl.

Li: Oh yeah … -facepalms self for being so stupid-

Sain: But what's the pairing?!

Li: … … Gethos.

Sain/Zelos: … WHAT!?

Lloyd: Eh??

Genis: What do you mean by that?! –points at Li- That never happened!!!

Mithos: -goes bright red-

Li: Little psycho-boy seems to think differently. X3

Mithos: Bu—but …!!! Please don't tell Raine!!

Sain: So you're admitting it now!! XD

Zelos: And here we all thought you were plotting to ass rape **Lloyd** in his sleep!!

Mithos: I thought I hid that note!!!

Lloyd: WHAT!? X.X

Li: -looks around- Oh pooey, Kratos and Raine aren't here; I wanna see some blood go flying … T.T

Zelos: -looks at Li- I can go get the purple wearing dickhead for you if you want. X3

Lloyd: HEY!!! –grabs swords and nearly kills Zelos anyway- That's my dad you're talking about!

Zelos: Come on, even you have to admit he's a dickhead!!

Lloyd: He's not to me!!

Zelos: That's because he slept with you!

Lloyd: NO HE DID NOT!!! I WISH YOU WOULD STOP IMPLYING THAT HE DID!!

Sain: BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF NOW!!!

OVFA: Thank you … X.X

Li: Please do! -Zelos flicks Lloyd off and runs away to find Kratos- … wait … what about Raine?!

Sain: -draws deep breath- RAINE!! THERE'S A WONDROUS NEW RUIN FOR YOU TO LOOK AT HERE!!!

-Raine appears out of nowhere-

Raine: wait … where's this ruin you mentioned?!

Sain: -Points at Mithos- But you're going to have to kill him first; he deserves it to boot.

Raine: what does that mean?

Zelos:-randomly appears again- Why don't you ask your brother?

Li: Where's Kratos?

Zelos: He threatened to kill me and/or submit me to his ultimate torture form … X.X''

Lloyd: -shudders- good thing you got out of there in time.

Zelos: Tell me about it; I just wonder HOW he managed to get those tapes of a drunk Yuan dancing … O.o'''

Li: Actually, I got those; he's just borrowing them for blackmail material. X3

Lloyd: … No wonder everyone wants to kill you.

Li: Save for Raine; she's going to kill Mithos.

Raine: why?

Genis: … because he …

Zelos: Slept with you?

Genis: NO!

Raine: WHAT?!?!

Genis: It's not like that Raine!!!

Mithos: What're you talking about Genis?!?! You enjoyed it and you know it!

Genis: You drugged me!!!

Raine: …!!!! Li …

Li: -Looks up innocently- Hmm? Yes Raine-sensei?

Raine: Can I see your hair straightener for a moment?

Li: Sure –hands it over- It's on max already.

Raine: Good. –turns to Mithos with a wicked glint in eye- Come here you little rapist.

Sain: Ouch. XD

Zelos: Goodbye, Mithos.

Mithos: -goes pale white- What?! Genis, how could you!? –runs off, Raine right behind him-

Genis: … -waits until Raine can't possibly hear him- Actually, I liked it.

Zelos/Sain: ……… -facefault-

Li: -laughs-

Sain: … … I need a better day job. VwV'

Zelos: Screw a day job, I just need to get away from Li; she's giving me the "I'm gonna rip your balls off and shove them up your ass" look again …

Sain: … -sighs- It was nice knowing you. –leaves-

Zelos: Wa—wait!! Sain!! –chases after-

Li: … well, today was rather … short. ^.^ Meh, can't be helped. –fourth tail suddenly appears-

Lloyd: I thought you said you had to kill two more people.

Li: I did, just not myself; a fox's greatest skill is it's manipulation and cunning. X3 ^w^ with Raine killing Mithos with my hair straightener and with … -waits, and a loud boom is heard- ah, _there _goes the Forblaze spell!!

Lloyd: … Who??

Li: Abbyson.

Genis: … Ah …


	5. RaineXSheena

Li: Ugghhh … I'm dead … X.X *Lying on the ground on her back*

Sain: *stands there poking Li with a stick* You okay there?

Li: Communists are taking over the world!!!!

Zelos: Okay, no more Mountain Dew at seven in the morning for you. *sweatdrop*

Sain: I thought it was China that was taking over the world …

Zelos: That's not the point! The point is that I wanna bash some stupid lovebirds again! I'm BOORRREEEEDDDDDD~~~! T.T

Sain: … isn't it usually _Lloyd _who gets bored real easily?

Zelos: Lloyd has ADD. That's all there is to it.

Lloyd: No I do – POCKY!!! *runs off*

Zelos: case in point.

Sain: *facepalm*

Random talking Mailbox: *pops out of nowhere* Welcome! You've got … yuri! *Letter with pairing written on it*

Zelos: We get girl on girl for once! EPIC!

Sain: But I think we'll want to do this pairing in a bomb shelter … O_O; *hands pairing to Zelos*

Zelos: OH MY – YES!!! YES YES I KNEW IT! ITS THEY ONLY WAY THEY CAN STAND MY MASCULINE CHARM!!!! :D

Sain: *Facepalms* Oy vey … I'm not going to stand here and save your ass. Sheena can castrate you for all I care.

Li: jabajiuasddrrr… Wait, I heard Sheena. You guys are doing a sheena pairing now? *picks head up from where she is lying on floor*

Sain: Yup … It's RaineXSheena.

Li: Dude … I know one question already.

Zelos: What's that?

Li: Which one of them is the _GIRL_ in the relationship? The one with the staff or the one with the pink bow?

Zelos: *points at Sheena* Bows: Raine's probably a total dominatrix anyways.

Sain: You mean they practice S&M!? O_O

Zelos: NO. Well, they might … I tend to stay away from that stuff.

Yuan: Then what do you call those handcuffs stashed beneath your bed?

Zelos: Wha --!? How did you find those!? What were you doing beneath my bed in the first place!?

Yuan: cleaning. Your house is filled with dust, you dumbass.

Zelos: Oh …

Sain: You mean that Zelos likes chains and whips?

Zelos: No I do not!

Yuan: Yes you do. You're a submissive pretty boy and you know it.

Zelos: So are you! *points at Yuan*

Yuan: I know I am; I admit it though. *shameless* I'm also bi.

Sain: You have no shame, do you.

Yuan: No, not really.

Li: SHUBMISSHHIVE PHWEETTY BOYIES OF THE WHURLD UNTIEEEE~~~!!! *raises fists in the air*

Yuan: … I know this is stupid, but I have to ask …. Is she drunk? *sweatdrop*

Sain: No; she's on a Mt. Dew buzz.

Yuan: Ah … Let me get her out of the way …

Zelos: no, she's got some good points … but yeah, who _WOULD _be the girl in the RaineXSheena relationship, since the subby isn't always the second one …

Sain: Personality wise, they're both psychotic bitches with PMS issues … *gets an anvil dropped on him*

Sheena: Don't make me castrate either of you!!! *vein twitches*

Zelos: You know it's true Sheena! *hit upside the head with Raine's staff*

Raine: You're both going to be in trouble if you keep this up.

Li: Wow Raine, blue panties really don't suit you … they has bunniesh on them~

Raine: Why are you looking!?

Li: because you're standing right over me and I'm too lazy to look away … I see whip marks.

Raine: *blushes and moves away* T – those aren't whip marks!

Sain: Why aren't you wearing pants anyway?

Raine: I just got out of the shower! *is in a bathrobe*

Zelos: Uh-huh …

Sheena: Raine, these idiots are hopeless …

Sain: Oh!! I Know! I know how to tell~!!!

Zelos: How? How? HOW?!?!!

Sain: CUP SIZE!!! :D

Zelos: *stops and looks at Sheena* Wow … you're right … Do you think that chest size might have something to do with their domination tendencies?

Sain: that might very well be - goodbye! *runs off*

Zelos: Huh? *looks* Oh shi-- *gets tackled by infuriated Raine and Sheena* NOT THE FACE!!!

Raine/Sheena: DIEHHH!!!!!

Li: I see purple and orange butterflies …

Yuan: Okay, I'm getting you out of here … *grabs Li by the leg and drags her off screen* Wait … *pokes head back onscreen* Holy shit, Raine DOES have whip marks!!

Raine: O////O

Sheena: I thought I told you to hide those!

Raine: I thought I did!!!

Yuan: Leaving now. *continues to drag Li away*

Li: *from offscreen* S&M BIOTCHES!!!!

Sheena: … She's going to be scary drunk … *looks at pulverized Zelos* Let's go find the other one.

Raine: Yes, let's … let me change first … *leaves, Sheena follows*

Sain: *pops out of hole in the ground* Phew, they're gone … Dude, are you still alive?? *pokes the Zelos-lump*

Zelos: Raine's the bitch … dude, I wanna see those two in some hot lesbian …

Sain: You obviously didn't hear Yuan's comment about Raine having whip marks.

Zelos: … they DO S&M???!?!????????!?!?!?!?!

Sain: Yeah … and Raine's the bitch.

Zelos: … I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE S&M BITCHES, I GOTTA SEE THAT!!!! *smote by the OVFA*

OVFA: Dumbass …

Sain: … I'm not reviving him … but I should get him out of here before they come back … *ponders* but I won't. *vanishes* I've got a copy of Icha Icha to finish reading!!

Zelos: *twitches*

*From off screen* Li: I LIKE COOKIE PANTS!!!

Yuan: I'm cutting you off of Mt. Dew for good. *sweatdrop*

* * *

… This came completely outta left field …

Okay, this one was a tad more random than the last one, and probably not as funny. Oh well. No offense to those out there that actually like S&M, but I find it's more fun to poke fun at than anything.

And yes, I really am like that if I drink too much Mt. Dew. I haven't touched alcohol in my life outside a shot glass of champagne, and that was for a wedding.

Review, and I'll try to update this one more regularly.


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